Just read a snippet about the expression “where the one-eyed man is king” which seems relevant for the times. This album came to mind. It’s lovely, especially when pondering things or making art…..
Yesterday was the complex holiday of Thanks-Giving – complex due to the whitewashed narratives of our childhoods (read Pilgrims and Indians and all of that). Add the further complexities of this strange year to the mix – folks home eating alone or with not enough to eat, or opting out of gatherings altogether, or choosing to have gatherings anyway, regardless. It’s just complex no matter how we slice it. Thankfully my family had had our larger scale get-together back in October before things got out of hand with the virus and we all kept ourselves to ourselves this holiday with a zoom conversation late morning over coffee (and maybe a bit o’ Bailey’s too).
It was good to see everyone though I can sense the weariness in all of us.
To be honest, the quietude of the day was just fine by me really. I’m often griping this time of year that I’d rather be hibernating than socializing and this year is our chance. Our meal was thoughtful and well made, most things from scratch. Since we weren’t cooking for a crowd, we could take time and care in a different way. It was really quite lovely actually.
As the evening wore on, we kept in touch with the kids, providing back up advice to them and their households as they navigated their first Thanksgiving away from the nest. It was bitter sweet. They seem to have a new appreciation for everything that goes into a well-crafted holiday meal.
It wasn’t just blood-family touching base throughout the day either, but friend-family too. Heart-family. A text from a dear one in California with an old Irish saying:
“Ar scáth a chéile a mhaireann na daoine”
which basically means ‘we live in the shelter of one another’, or more specifically translated, “we live in each other’s shadows”. Protecting one another, in need of one another’s company and presence. I could not agree more. And then, a sweet text from Ireland with video of the kids wishing their American friends a happy Thanksgiving. My Taos based adopted family sent along their wishes as well. We traded texted views of home-based natural life, as we often do through out the year. Their mountain views to our hollers. A heart-felt exchange of worlds colliding. I am so grateful for all of it.
Eventually, we finished the pie and the washing-up over a Tune Supply concert that once again reminded me of the thing I will jump head-first most into once this is all over – music. I am deeply missing that camaraderie.
For now, solo practicing and babbling brooks must suffice.
Today, as is our tradition, we avoided any of the “Black Friday” madness (not even sure if that is on this year?) and took to the woods. Only the two of us, and currently dog-less*, it was quiet but beautiful. We took our time to capture photos, study mosses and mushrooms and simply enjoy the splendor of a lovely day.
*Charlie doesn’t come on longer hikes, which renders us dog-less when in the woods.
It was wonderful to get out into the countryside today. I’ve had our local hollers on my mind lately. This time of year I often think of my grandparents and all of our old holidays up with them in Middletown, just north of here. Middletown is a bit of a curiosity lately with the Hillbilly Elegy movie hitting the streams. I loathed the book when it launched and will likely choose not to view the movie (much as I admire the work of those involved in this project). I find I get my hackles up over the writing of JD Vance and would rather folks be reading Elizabeth Catte’s What You Are Getting Wrong About Appalachia if they are curious about this great swath of the country. I suppose I don’t appreciate the one-faceted view of folks in general and more specifically, those facing the challenges of poverty. There is so much more to Appalachia than meets the eye. Much like most of the rest of humanity.
The tide seems to be finally turning on the current president, and I am counting the days until we are back on an even keel with a leader who seems to even want the job. But I know our work as a country is only just beginning. As we drive around to the quiet wild places here in our own back yard, we are confronted with our political opposites. How do we get folks from such opposite ends of the political spectrum to see the light in one another?
Seamus Heaney wrote a poem called Whatever You Say, Say Nothing, which is exactly what we do here a good bit of the time. Perhaps that’s part of what got us to where we are today, so divided and deconstructed.
Perhaps we should all just go for a hike together when this virus is all said and done, to go out looking for spectacular mushrooms and mosses and figure things out in a more thoughtful way.
Yesterday evening I took a break from breaking news. (not news at all really, more like a collective zoom-based anxiety rave bent on driving us all insane as we wait, feigning a patience we do not feel.) In the darkness, (’tis the season, what with the time change) Charlie and I ambled quietly up the drive after her evening meal.
“Ciúin” (Irish for ‘quiet’)
It was quiet, but for a couple of owls hooting to one another in the trees.
Any bit of true quiet feels like a miracle these days, noise of current events occupying mind and even heart of late. I find my little doses of quiet in these small moments – an evening meander with the dog, a morning wander around the village to put the moon to bed. I’ve come to treasure these times.
Why I Wake Early
Hello, sun in my face.
Hello, you who make the morning
and spread it over the fields
and into the faces of the tulips
and the nodding morning glories,
and into the windows of, even, the
miserable and crotchety–
best preacher that ever was,
dear star, that just happens
to be where you are in the universe
to keep us from ever-darkness,
to ease us with warm touching,
to hold us in the great hands of light–
good morning, good morning, good morning.
Watch, now, how I start the day
in happiness, in kindness.
Friends, it’s okay to say Hello.
It will likely help us, and we do not do so alone. I also believe God greets us as we greet our days.
Neither I nor the poets I love have found the keys to the kingdom of prayer,
And we cannot force God to stumble over us where we sit,
I know that it’s a good idea to sit anyway.
So every morning, I sit, I kneel, waiting,
making friends with the habit of listening,
hoping that I am being listened to. . .
There, I greet God and my own disorder.
I say Hello
to my chaos,
my unmade decisions,
my unmade bed,
my desire and my trouble.
I say Hello
to distraction and privilege.
I recognize and greet
my controlled and uncontrollable story.
my untold stories,
my unfolding story,
my unloved body,
my own love,
my own body.
the things I think will happen,
and I say Hello to everything I do not know about the day.
my own small world,
and I hope that I can meet the bigger world that day.
and hope that I can forget my story during the day,
and hope that I can hear some stories,
and greet some surprising stories during the long day ahead.
I greet God,
and I greet the God Who is More God than the God I greet,
Hello to you all, I say,
as the sun rises above the chimneys of North Belfast.
~Pádraig Ó Tuama
As I write this little missive, the democratic process continues to play out and unfold here in this country. The other day I awoke especially early to play my small part in that unfolding, volunteering at the polls to hand out democratic slate cards on some shifts, and refreshments to all voters on other shifts. The goodness of donuts and hot cocoa are something both sides of the political equation can agree on.
It was a hopeful day. A day of feeling like, no matter the outcome, I was doing my part (and had been for much of this election cycle, I should tell you).
One of my shifts happened to coincide with pick-up day at a local food pantry held at the same location as this particular voting precinct. It was very interesting to me that the very outcome of this election would hold sway on whether people would or would not have to rely on community support merely to have food to eat. One woman, both voting AND picking up food, said she relies on the food pantry because between food and her prescription medicines, she has to choose the medicines. My heart broke. Another lovely fella stopped in, also to vote as well as to pick up supplies. He had a large roller bag suitcase with him to carry what he needed. He had recently become homeless.
I offered him a donut.
When my sister and I were kids and my mom was a newly divorced single mom struggling to make ends meet, we were, for a time, on food stamps. I was young and don’t remember too much about the specifics but I tell you this as a snapshot of explanation for my left-leaning, take care of folks when they can’t take care of themselves, kindness-driven view on government. People struggle. This is a great truth of humanity.
Life is short, though I keep this from my children.
Life is short, and I’ve shortened mine
in a thousand delicious, ill-advised ways,
a thousand deliciously ill-advised ways
I’ll keep from my children. The world is at least
fifty percent terrible, and that’s a conservative
estimate, though I keep this from my children.
For every bird there is a stone thrown at a bird.
For every loved child, a child broken, bagged,
sunk in a lake. Life is short and the world
is at least half terrible, and for every kind
stranger, there is one who would break you,
though I keep this from my children. I am trying
to sell them the world. Any decent realtor,
walking you through a real shithole, chirps on
about good bones: This place could be beautiful,
right? You could make this place beautiful.
I’d be lying if I said I was thrilled about the outcome of this election over all. I had hoped that more people would see through the chaos of the last four years and would see that the Grand Old Party is simply not there for the regular citizen of the good ol’ U. S. of A. Instead, I am disappointed that nearly half the country is willing to witness an experience another Trump term. This is where we stand. In all likelihood, we will see a Biden presidency presiding over a minority rule. It’s not a total loss, of course it’s not. There is much to celebrate!
How to move forward? A big issue for me is climate change and I am figuring out how to be of service to bring this concept into the collective light more fully. After all, these changes will affect EVERYTHING in the very near future, in fact have already begun to do so. We have a lot of work to do.
But first, for now, should things play out as they seem to be headed…..
We take a deep breath. We drink medicinal teas complete with tinctures (and possibly some bourbon this evening) to ease our anxieties. We shed some long over due stress tears. We listen with hope to someone who might be able to provide unity in our divided land. Democrats should waste no time in appointing Stacey Abrams as their new leader to forge a new path – a path that speaks for everyone. We as a country must learn to slow down and really see each other, person to person. We must do some difficult soul searching and come to a reckoning with ourselves and with one another. It is my hope we get this opportunity.
But, like so many – around the world even – I wait.
Just be quiet and patient.
Let evil and unpleasantness pass quietly over you.
Do not try to avoid them.
On the contrary, observe them carefully.
Let active understanding take the place of reflex irritation, and you will grow out of your trouble. People can achieve greatness only by surmounting their own littleness.
The main thing is not to hurry.
Nothing good gets away.
Patience is the master key to every situation.
One must have sympathy for everything, surrender to everything, but at the same time remain patient and forbearing…
There is no such thing as bending or breaking.
It’s a question only of overcoming, which begins with overcoming oneself.
That cannot be avoided.
To abandon that path is always to break in pieces.
One must patiently accept everything and let it grow within oneself.
The barriers of the fear-ridden can only be broken by love.
One must, in the dead leaves that rustle around one, already see the young fresh green of spring, compose oneself in patience, and wait.
Patience is the only true foundation on which to make one’s dreams come true.
— Franz Kafka
Meanwhile, like so many things during this strange era in which we find ourselves, there is a juxtaposing personal angle to this concept of waiting and patience. We are officially looking for a new dog to welcome home to us. I’ve put some heeler-feelers out and have filled out some forms to local rescues. We have a bit of house work and building beginning next week here and the pup will hopefully arrive as that process ends sometime in December. We shall see. We don’t have an actual, specific dog in mind. But we have narrowed to a blue heeler girl dog if we can find one. I can just about picture her in my mind….
As we navigate these uncertain times, may we find moments of stillness, moments of joy amidst the seemingly overwhelming largesse of the world just now. Yes, things are hard. But there are dogs in the world.
And maybe, just maybe………..eventually…………..a new path forward.
It is a gentle, rainy day. “Soft” as they sometimes call it in Ireland. This kind of weather might annoy some people, but honestly I like it. The coloring of things hints at autumn, my favorite season in spite of or perhaps because of inherent melancholia to be found therein.
Melancholia is a constant and faithful friend of late. I find myself thinking a lot about death.
The gardens themselves lean toward the great sleep, readying here and there for a dying back into autumnal composting and winter’s rest. Spring’s regrowth will come once more, eventually. We as humans seem to forget our place amidst nature’s seasons. Lately I find my mind ill at ease – a feeling of being consistently gaslighted by society. Over 180,000 people have died of Covid-19 in this country and few seem to even take note of it anymore. Around 1000 people PER DAY. How can this not be the day’s big news? There are even some who don’t believe the numbers. We throw these figures around and forget that behind every number is a lifetime of dreams and hopes and fears and faults. Laughter and learning, lightness and darkness. The messy stuff of everyone’s everyday. These are someone’s loved ones. How can the world just go “on”? I find it almost too much to take. And maybe this explains why no one is talking about it much. Maybe no one can take it.
When death comes
like the hungry bear in autumn;
when death comes and takes all the bright coins from his purse
to buy me, and snaps the purse shut;
when death comes
like the measle-pox
when death comes
like an iceberg between the shoulder blades,
I want to step through the door full of curiosity, wondering:
what is it going to be like, that cottage of darkness?
And therefore I look upon everything
as a brotherhood and a sisterhood,
and I look upon time as no more than an idea,
and I consider eternity as another possibility,
and I think of each life as a flower, as common
as a field daisy, and as singular,
and each name a comfortable music in the mouth,
tending, as all music does, toward silence,
and each body a lion of courage, and something
precious to the earth.
When it’s over, I want to say all my life
I was a bride married to amazement.
I was the bridegroom, taking the world into my arms.
When it’s over, I don’t want to wonder
if I have made of my life something particular, and real.
I don’t want to find myself sighing and frightened,
or full of argument.
I don’t want to end up simply having visited this world.
–Mary Oliver (I love this poem and was re-minded of it recently by the wonderful daily poem sharing offering of Shippenverse. Go give her a follow on the socials if you like timely poetry.)
It is a grave mistake in a well lived life not to give death a good mulling over now and then. I have at times (in the before times) been playing music with my dearest friends in a local session and have found myself so overwhelmed with a tearful gratitude that I think:
“Remember this. It’s not going to happen again. These people are a gift. Nothing is guaranteed. Pay attention. We could lose one another in an instant.”
Cheerful. I know.
But I do maintain that to toe the edges of things, to contemplate Great Mysteries, is to be more deeply alive, to live closer to the bone.
On soft days such as this one, I find myself thinking about Ireland, a land with its fair share of soft days and a place where the lines between life and death, this world and the Other, before and after, us and them, are blurred. I find myself most comfortable in a place that openly acknowledges the delicate nature of our very existence. Ireland is such a place.
Looking back on this Year of Years, we come to realize we were truly fortunate to begin the year’s wave of griefs on griefs in such a magical place. Tony’s mom died while we were over there. To explore ancient burial sites and wander the misty and mystical Burren in Clare was to feel a part of things in a very deep way. I wish I could be there again this fall, to process all that has happened – all that IS happening – but this is not to be.
Last week in the tail end of a yoga practice a thought, or perhaps even a ‘command’ of sorts came to me. “Tell the earring story” it said. And so I shall….
My friend Mia was dying. I had been lucky enough to leave my day to day behind and spend a few quality days with her before she slipped into that “between place” where she could no longer be reached by us. It was the wee hours of the morning and no one in the household had slept much that night. Professional nurses, Mia’s mom Ruth and husband Morris tended to her final moments and then, just like that, she was gone. The quiet was that strange sort of quiet that sometimes happens in a room where a birth has occurred. Dying is a different kind of birth I suppose. I stepped outside to get some air and to give Mia’s family a bit of space. I could feel the All of Everything outside. It was a beautiful morning. A bit later, Morris and one of the Hospice nurses approached myself and two other women on hand and asked if we might accept the task of washing and readying Mia’s body for viewing. Their family’s close community was to come to the house to pay their respects, share food and kinship, and bid farewell to their dear friend. Washington state allows for a family to hold on their loved ones for one full day before needing to send the body on to final burial or cremation. This was to be Mia’s day. We accepted this task with great honor and the Hospice nurse filled us in on what needed to be done. It’s a strange and wonderful thing to tend to the final physicality of someone we love. Yes, we were filled with grief, but something about the very earthiness of it all was a salve to that grief. We were mindful and in the moment. We put on Mia’s favorite music, opened the window to allow her soul passage. We washed her gently, and put her into her favorite clothes. Soon, we were nearly done. I had put in one of a pair of earrings into her ear when we were interrupted by someone entering the room. A friend in the community who hadn’t realized we weren’t *quite* finished. And just like that, the bubble had burst. Something of a strange reality had entered the room with this newcomer and there was no more that could be done. Mia’s head was turned and so no one would notice the missing earring anyway. My fellow caretakers and I had a bit of a strange laugh over this turn of events and the day carried on. I pulled Morris aside and told him of the earring still in my possession. He too found it all a bit funny. The earrings in question were moonstones. Mia and I had gotten matching sets we before she’d moved out to Washington and we liked to wear them at the same time like a couple of middle school bff’s. When the day came to an end it was time for the funeral folks to come and take Mia’s body away. I did a puppet show for the kids in the other end of the house while Morris took care of this bit of business. Later, he handed me the first earring. I took some pliers and converted that earring into a small pendant which I eventually took home with me. I made the second into a pendant as well, and left my set of earrings and that matching pendant with Morris to give to their daughter when she was old enough to wear them. (she was in the first grade if I remember right.) I still have my little moonstone pendant and keep it on my flute case as a constant reminder to live this life to the fullest. Mia reminded me always to follow my art dreams and to keep playing music. I have done and am so grateful for her early encouragement as we ran mile after mile together in between our busy lives and young motherhood.
I tell the story above as a small snapshot of the complexities of the end of a life. To remind us that once there was a time when tending to our dead was a privilege. This virus has so many dying that I believe we have a hard time really taking stock of so much loss. Our minds can’t wrap around the level of destruction. And with all of this death, comes a deep loneliness as well as many are having to die alone so as not to endanger their loved ones. The virus has robbed us of the very things through which we cope with difficulty. Gathering, hugging, singing, sharing. And these are difficult times to be sure.
A couple of artful friends in my life are stepping into what one of them calls her “final act”. They are seemingly facing this next chapter with a grace all of us might hope for in the end. They wisely advise us all to have the difficult conversations about what we might want for our own end of life chapters, how we might want things to go if difficult decisions are faced. Have you done this? Do your loved ones know how you might like to be remembered?
My friend Jeni sent this below to me (not knowing I was brewing a death-themed blog post, but this is how the muse works sometimes, eh?) And I absolutely love it. I read this and think, I might have been friends with this woman had we met.
It seems easy in these scary times to just step out of our bodies and forget we are limited beings. I think many people have really. So much anger, so little time for self-reflection or kindness. We aren’t taking the time to ask one another “How’re you doing, like really?” We won’t be here forever, this much is true. Something about turning 50 on the cusp of a global pandemic will drive this home to many of us. Much as the ads promising me the fountain of youth would like me to step away from my own sense of self, I stay put and face this age, my age, as it is. It isn’t pretty most days.
I make the conscious choice to stay in my body, as difficult as this feels in this harsh world. I run when I can, even on (perhaps especially on) cool rainy days.
I eat spicy food and cry easily. Much like old Moaning Myrtle, I am not afraid to talk of death. Perhaps it is, in the long run, the only thing left we might have in common these days.
Be kind to each other, check in with one another. Bake some cookies for your neighbors if you can.
And perhaps take some time for self-reflection on these remarkable times in which we find our small selves.
It seems an age ago that were in Maine. Coastal time, cool, crystalline lakes, like a dream.
We are now back in our own home, land locked here in our river valley, tending to house and garden, both needing upkeep, updates.
As Billy Collins’ poem above alludes, there is a certain kind of genius which accompanies basic household chores of care. This damned pandemic affords us the opportunity of time, if not inclination, to attend to matters here at home. And so we do.
A bit of harvesting.
And a few things still growing along nicely.
I’ll give the autumnal plants a head start this week I think. And put other plants to sleep for a time so they might come back to us in the dead of winter. Beauty in dark times.
I am a haphazard gardener at best, but I am pleased with the results of our efforts this year. The back garden, fenced during the first fitful, anxiety filled weeks of the lockdown, seems to be holding up. Keeping the deer at bay.
I am grateful.
The dahlias have put on a show this year. Somehow they had survived my stashing them in the garage last autumn where they overwintered successfully. Surprisingly.
They are a constant delight.
My great-Auntie Nancy passed away the day we were on the road home from Maine. She lived a long life, and did not suffer in the end, which is all anyone can ask for really. When we attended her funeral, masked and out of doors, I took a posey of my dahlias and some sunflowers too, to place on the grave of my beloved grandparents. Life has a way of marching on.
Last week I added another digit to my age line. It was a quiet day really, a few hours at the concertina shop, take out from a local brewery and a zoom call with some artful and inspirational friends. It was lovely. I even received some gorgeous flowers.
My mom gifted me the innards of a new Traveler’s Notebook for my birthday. (I made the cover myself from a scrap of leather from the shop.) I am interested to see how this journal system works for me as my own sketchbook practice has shifted in recent years. When I “go sketch”, I am actually painting and use good paper in good sketchbooks. But for the day to day, I like to have a workbook to capture ideas, quotes, poems, drawings, lists and etc. Also a date keeper, not that there is much of a schedule these days.
Perhaps this little book will help me get organized as we do some serious household renovation and reorganization in the coming months.
I already have lists going, and some quotes. Tunes I must work on……
“Don’t focus on the limitations, focus on the possibilities.”
~Liam O’Flynn (via Louise Mulcahy’s recent research)
Tomorrow morning we bid adieu to our friend Ari, the ‘little red dragon”, or “the wee man” as I sometimes call him. He’s heading back to my sister’s where she is settled into a full time position as a nurse at a hospital near Louisville, Kentucky.
We will miss him indeed, but we also know there is much work to be done around here and it might best be done with only the one aged dog along for the ride. (Plus, he is missed dearly by his proper steward.)
Thankfully, our Little Miss Charlie doesn’t climb steps and mostly sleeps the days away, so she will be the perfect dog to weather the coming months with us as we turn the house upside down a bit.
It is a good time to nestle into a great feathering of the nest so to speak. My travel journaling work – for now at least – is non-existent for obvious reasons. I keep the art-wheels oiled here with a few side projects but a bit of a domestic re-design will be my creative project for the time being. In recent years we found ourselves with an empty nest, the kids fledging to adult lives of their own. My travel journal business was where my energies flowed and I never really found the time to re-group here at home. For now – this year at least – all of that is at a standstill. Like many others, I am finding it difficult to concentrate on the usual things, and so I’m going to just take full part in this collective pause.
I’ve felt for a long while that the speed of things in this world is too much for me personally, it’s just tragic that it’s taken a pandemic to slow things down even just a bit. With this slowing down has come an opportunity to take stock, decide finally what to do with the old “back room” which has been falling down around us for a few years now. It’s time to rebuild. We have engaged a builder to begin in autumn sometime. There will be much shifting and cleaning and decision-making and things will be topsy turvy. Construction and reorganizing has a way of affecting every corner of the household and knowing this, we are taking the opportunity to reconfigure the whole place.
It’s time. Getting our home organized and making a little oasis around here will help us bring more peace to the world outside of our home. Of this I am sure. To seek beauty in a dark world is important work. Sometimes, that starts at home.
And that, as my mom says, is all the news that’s fit to print. We, like everyone, continue to adjust to The State of Things. We do the best we can. Being gentle with ourselves and each other. Following our noses as to how best to proceed.
Skies – sunsets in particular – have been magnificent. Reminding us of our small place in the world.
Evening jaunts on the boat allow us a break from the heat on shore and affords us quality time together (at once more than we can handle and never enough – how I love this chosen family of mine).
At times we must dock the boat near the little local general store to stock up on supplies. And sometimes we forget our masks and must improvise which results in iconic fashionry.
In this time of fear and uncertainty, we see others and wish them well, while also hoping they never come too close.
The light here in Maine, from a painter’s perspective, is perfection. I take source photos for later use. Balancing the time here, trying not to be selfish. As usual, I would split the artist side of self off to go work in the corner all week bathed in paints while the rest of human self could dive into a book or a group activity in earnest. But the art always calls and there is no splitting. And so here we are. I do the best I can.
It is a gorgeous day outside, and I have a paddleboard planned with my dearest, long time friend (she birthed both my babies with me back in the day, so you get the depth of our connection.) Later, some socially distant music is planned with a fellow Irish musician local to these lakelands and I am grateful to find a tune here in the wilds, so far from home.
I realize that home is only as far away as the next tune, the next friend, the next dip into some paint of any kind.
I am home the minute I can center into a bit of music, or a puddle of paint, or a beautiful fireside conversation with loved ones (while a mysterious mink waterly wanders by with nary a splash.)
There has been daily practicing of the pipes, as the lady pipers group has done a tune trade this summer and my job was to learn a tune from my “tune fairie” and record said tune to share with my mystery tune-provider.
It was terrifying. Honestly.
But I did it, as I am keen to do this. To learn. To find my small place in this tradition. Even as an American with only distant ties to the motherland of this music, even as an adult learner with so very little musical knowledge. Even as merely an artist. Something about all of it makes just sense.
And so I dive in. Best I can. We have limited time, always. Especially when on vacation. Especially when on vacation during a global pandemic. I know this.
This limit is why I paint. Why I play. Why I write.
There is a recent article in Downeast Magazine about Miss Rumphius, a favorite book of mine about bringing beauty into the world as one lives one’s life. I highly recommend it….
“In today’s rush, we all think too much… seek too much… want too much… and forget about the joy of just being.”
~Eckhart Tolle *
I don’t know about y’all, but I’m feeling the rush and pull of a return to normalcy which I’ll admit, I am not quite yet in favor of.
“Normality is a paved road: It’s comfortable to walk, but no flowers grow.
~Vincent van Gogh *
For those of you who follow my online doings, the noise of the world has gotten to be a bit much for me personally and I have opted off the social media channels until further notice. While we cannot and mustn’t turn our backs on a troubled world just now – the news of things as they are happening in real time – we CAN turn down the noise of it all online in order to dig deeper into what is really happening out there, what can actually be done, and how we feel about it all. Sure one might get a chuckle now and then over on the socials, but true reality is a bit more difficult to find. And so I seek it in deeper wells.
I’ll be honest, I needed a break – have done for a good long while now.
And so I am taking one. Officially. I am hopeful it might be longer than the usual month off which happens now and then in normal times.
I celebrated this returning to myself, this coming home really, by building a fire last night. Humidity is creeping back up as of today, but in recent days past, the magic of a cool summer night’s mystery has been in rare form.
We are grateful.
We wear a crown of midsummer and watch the garden flourish.
“With life as short as a half taken breath, don’t plant anything but love.”
While not everything planted will be in top form this season, the garden’s beginnings give me hope for better days.
I suppose if necessary, we could live off of pumpkin and swiss chard alone, if we had to eventually. Perhaps not all is lost.
Life carries on.
A great June greening gathers further in.
“We must not allow the clock and the calendar to blind us to the fact that each moment of life is a miracle and mystery.”
~ H G Wells
The daily post continues to be a source of great day to day joy. Today we received the long anticipated “Views from Quarantine” zine project from Ireland-based artist and child-art psychotherapist Simone Westerkamp (also long time friend and musical pal). This zine is filled with offerings Simone gathered from artful friends and family scattered around the globe. We, Tony and I, are thrilled to have been a small part of it. In this era of grief, sadness and strife – in epic proportions, to be sure – beautiful small things are a keen reminder of the scale and importance of our own humanity.
“Never regret anything you have done with sincere affection; nothing is lost that is born of the heart.”
~Basil Rathbone *
The summer’s slowing, with my yearly work offerings no longer viable, affords a delicate space for quiet wonderment. There are Rainier cherries now at the market once more, which I love. When I can settle my brain and nerves down enough, I am drawing more in this in between time and space. I am grateful for these crumbs of validity in such tumultuous times.
I’ll admit I am not ready to re-enter the rat-race. I did not belong to it in the first place. This I must remember as the traffic time into my part-time work begins to once more give me pause.
We have our sights set to venture home to Maine later in July. (God willin’ and the creek don’t rise, as they say) Once there we will keep ourselves to ourselves, which we normally do anyway, and I promise we will do this all safely. I look very much forward to cuddle piles of hugs with my god-child and her sister, and our dear friends, their parents. Even as introverts, we are missing the humanity of a normal social existence. I am counting the days.
This is a strange new world we live in. Some people seem to be carrying on like nothing has changed, like it is an insult to their American-borne freedom to be asked to wear a mask in interest of the safety of others. Most near and dear to me of course, continue to be diligent and do what is necessary to keep things safe for everyone. We live life in the day to day just now. Plans are difficult to commit to with things changing so fast in real time.
In the end, time will tell.
As for us, we soldier on. Listening to books, reading books, doing puzzles, keeping to the work online as needed. Tonight we go to meet East-Coast cousins arriving new to town. Socially distant, of course.
Take care of each other, get hugs when you can.
****some of the quotes above (*) have been saved over time from a wonderful offering on the Book of Faces called Ravenous Butterflies. Go give em a follow if you are currently riding the waves of the socials. They are a bright light on a dark platform.
When I have fears that I may cease to be
Before my pen has glean’d my teeming brain,
Before high piled books, in charactry,
Hold like rich garners the full ripen’d grain;
When I behold, upon the night’s starr’d face,
Huge cloudy symbols of a high romance,
And think that I may never live to trace
Their shadows, with the magic hand of chance;
And when I feel, fair creature of an hour,
That I shall never look upon thee more,
Never have relish in the fairy power
Of unreflecting love;—then on the shore
Of the wide world I stand alone, and think
Till love and fame to nothingness do sink.
Aren’t humans beautiful at their best?
It’s just another manic Friday, here in the time of the pandemic. Downstairs, the Hub finishes a social zoom call happy hour (not to be confused with the constant work related video calls he’s on by day) with his (our) kayak friends. I cobble a dinner together of spring vegetables and pasta thanks to our favorite local market.
It is a dance of sorts. This balancing of our inner and outer exertions. And this dance is different for each person, at each moment. All good dancing requires moment to moment shifts and decision making.
The garden has been covered with pots and jars and sheets and towels tonight. The frost is all over, at least as far as we are hearing from the forecasters. And so we prepare, best we can.
The news in recent days is harder and harsher. We as a country flounder under a most inept and under-equipped leadership. Not long ago there was a man at the helm who while perhaps imperfect, was at the very least, empathetic.
The night is beautiful,
So the faces of my people.
The stars are beautiful,
So the eyes of my people.
Beautiful, also, is the sun.
Beautiful, also, are the souls of my people.
Listening lately to Michelle Obama’s book Becoming and watching the netflix documentary about her accompanying book tour, I have been brought to tears at where we have come to. From grace and hope for a new world, to a floundering shadow of a dream. I don’t know who we are any more.
I sit with the space of it all. Setting boundaries where necessary (zoom calls ad infinitum (nauseum?) if I opted for it.) and do the best I can. Yesterday I heard from my Auntie (my father’s sister), now in Virginia with her grand-daughter, and we had a lovely chat. I marveled at the balance of it all as we talked. Somewhere I have four “half” sisters whom I do not know, and who do not seem to care to know me. We discussed this, openly and honestly, and it was good. I revel in the family I do have. My own dear sister and brother and the “steps” along the way. We mix and match as best we can, over time. I love them all so much. Now perhaps now more than ever.
I am recently running the roads a lot, which brings me great solace. I realize this is a privilege as I read about not only communities on strict lockdown around the world, but of Aumaud Aubrey, who was murdered while running in a Georgia neighborhood on a sunny afternoon. Finally a public outcry leads to the arrest of his murderers. But I wonder, what took so long? I run with and for Aumaud of late. Praying step by step for his family. It is all too much to take in.
In the long run, I must admit though, this space, with all its heartbreak and uncertainty is for me, personally, and just now, an ok thing. I am breathing and resting, even amidst this crazy pandemic, which is an unexpected gift. I recalibrate at home, supporting the businesses and organizations I hope will still be present when this all passes eventually, supporting my family and friends along the way too. (Did I mention the wee red dragon, my ER nurse sister’s dog, Ari is back with us??) This is all I can do.
This too shall pass, and this I believe. But we will never go back to what was Before. Perhaps we shouldn’t. I have the gift of a great re-thinking here at home, the results of which I do not yet know the outcome (do we ever?) And so I read, and write letters, plant seeds and paint and play tunes. I walk and run and pray along the way as well, such that it is. It’s all very Jane Austen in some sense.
But I welcome this spaciousness such as it is, such how it comes….
“We put thirty spokes together and call it a wheel, But it is on the space where there is nothing that the usefulness of the wheels depends.
We turn clay to make vessel, But it is on the space where there is nothing that the usefulness of the vessel depends.
We pierce doors and windows to make a house, And it is on these spaces where there is nothing that the usefulness of the house depends.
Therefore just as we take advantage of what is, we should recognize the usefulness of what is not.”
Do we collectively even know what we have here just now? In this time of crisis, can we even recognize the level of love possible? I hope so.
Love After Love
The time will come
when, with elation
you will greet yourself arriving
at your own door, in your own mirror
and each will smile at the other’s welcome,and say, sit here. Eat.
You will love again the stranger who was your self.
Give wine. Give bread. Give back your heart
to itself, to the stranger who has loved you all your life, whom you ignored
for another, who knows you by heart.
Take down the love letters from the bookshelf,the photographs, the desperate notes,
peel your own image from the mirror.
Sit. Feast on your life.
Keep well y’all. I love you.
Ps. Did I mention that Michelle Obama actually sent a tweet my way with well wishes for my sister who is a front line worker as an ER nurse!!? We were all thrilled, fan-girling big time all through the family via text and email. I hope Michelle Obama knows the bright torch she carries and the hope she holds for all of us. It must surely be a great burden to bear. I am in awe of her and her family and wish them all well.